Parenting Haikus

Twenty Parenting Haikus: New Parent Edition

1. You are so fragile,

Why aren’t you a giraffe calf,

Walking after birth?

2. Newborn clothes are dumb,

Baby lives in pajamas,

A rookie mistake.

3. Sleep is now a myth,

Sing the song of your people,

Night and day mixed up.

4. What is this bright light?

Haven’t left the house in days,

Am I still human?

5. Fussy, crying, sad.

Twelve months away from talking,

Good lord what is wrong?

6. Projectile vomit,

Reaches clear across the room,

Baby exorcist.

7. Razor sharp claw-nails,

How do you trim these bad boys?

Please don’t grab your eyes.

8. Quickly change diaper,

White dress on and leaving soon,

Jackson Pollock sharts.

9. Baby taking nap,

Quietly reheat coffee,

One sip, she is up.

10. Awkwardly flopping,

Tummy time every day now,

This is just the worst.

11. Center of my world,

Absolute love of my life,

Who was I before?

12. You’ll sleep in the crib,

Fine, I’ll just sleep on the floor.

3 AM battles.

13. Dad is home from work,

Break time equals cleaning house,

Shower is respite.

14. Stronger than all drugs,

Baby giggles and laughter,

I’m so addicted.

15. Am I a pack mule?

No, just “wearing” my baby.

Twelve pounds and counting.

16. One handed dinner,

Dry Cheerios are a meal?

Eat straight from the box.

17. Blood curdling shriek,

Olympic sprint to the crib,

Baby smiles and coos.

18. Five days have gone by,

When are you going to poop?

Babies are so weird.

19. New fine motor skills,

Our poor cat has five bald spots,

Practice makes perfect.

20. When people ask me,

“When is her sibling coming?”

Hahahahaha.